What are you grateful for right now?
Yesterday was a struggle.
I was clocked in the head with a soccer ball while playing keeper last night. I saved the goal, but I knew right away I was shaken up.
My head hurt from the impact. My neck whiplashed and sore. As I stood in net all I could think was, shit, not again.
I suffered a concussion in soccer last December while playing net. Even though I fully recovered in 3 months, I was fearful that I would be concussed again. The symptoms were there.
But I didn’t want that.
My mind was whirling… I wanted to blame my team for letting the player through, the other team for the powerful shot, myself for not being good enough. Then shame surfaced for even going there and thinking those thoughts.
Then fear crept in. Fear of playing a competitive and risky sport like soccer, fear of going to the ball, fear of not being able to play again, fear of not being good enough, fear of what Russ would say, fear of being a quitter.
I got myself home, had a snack and a hot bath and lay down to listen to the messages my body was sending.
Despite the ringing between my ears and the thrumming in my head and neck I just listened. Yes, the signals were present, but I didn’t attach to them. Instead, I became aware without judgement.
I knew that if I allowed the biology of my ego mind to do its job and take care of my safety, I would attach to the pain and spiral into the past wounds. I would become the concussion again. I would allow the entanglement and duality of the mind to live in fear and cling to the safety of my body. It would be easy, safe and comfortable. Living in the past is like that.
But this is now.
I don’t want the injury (aversion) I want health (attachment). By detaching from the outcome and expectation, I stand in the centre of the two polarities – in balance where the ego finds no opening. I see unity, and I allow myself to rest in what is true right now. I may have a concussion, I may not.
Right now I am safe. I tell myself, everything is ok just as it is. My body follows the mind.
My teammates and the other players have my back. My ego is there to keep me safe from real (and perceived) threats. I breathe in bridging the mind and body allowing the past conditions to melt away. My past does not define me.
I overcome my ego mind, and right action becomes effortless.
Today, my struggle is over. Consciousness manifested in crow (bakasana), a yoga pose I struggled with for years happens instantaneously. That wouldn’t be the case if I were snuggled in my sheets feeling sorry for myself, blaming, shaming and living in fear.
Instead, I go to yoga class and break through another layer of unconscious habit. I live one present moment at a time.
I am overflowing with gratitude for the ability to see the gift I was given.
For right now the struggle is over.